For many the weight gain is creeping in (haha) with the start of Halloween. So, let me help you gain some good old weight and tell you exactly what you should do if you want to feel fat, depressed, achy, bloated and upset because your holiday dress makes you look like a big red christmas ornament……
First, gorge on lots of bread..oh ya, wheat included because really it’s just white bread that’s brown. Oat bread, wheat bread, millet bread…they are all just flour. Yes, good old glutenous flour that creates a nice fat belly.
Second, perform lots of high reps with super light weight in like one of those muscle classes at your gym. A place where 99% of the aerobics instructors have no idea about biomechanics nor the correct sequence of exercises and reps to actually create a change in your muscular structure. The other 1% look good because they actually train with weights on their own and workout 6 hours a day. Plus, eat very little calories because they have exercise induced bulemia.
Third, buy a TRX and think that it’s really going to make a big change in your body. Really?
Fourth, work your tush off on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then do a quick 15 minute curves type of circuit. Go straight home and eat beef stew and a goblet of wine (loaded with antioxidants, lol). Again, don’t forget to slop in a big slab of french bread.
Fifth, don’t eat anything healthy before you go to holidays parties. Actually, don’t eat for days and attack the buffet and desert table with vigour and delight!
Sixth, never, never drink water. Drink lots of coffee, egg nog, alcohol and fresh cider for lots of vitamin C .
Seventh, join a gym at a low price of like a $1 down, $10.00 month and go ONCE. Yet, let them bill you for a year because its so cheap. Make sure it’s a credit card and don’t pay it.
Seventh, on Christmas order take out at your local chinese restaurant. You can get a great deal on the nice bright red pork strips that you could create a smore with some of your left over chocolate from Halloween.
Live. Love. Gorge.
Eigth, find some dirt on your friend so you can put them down because they lost tons of weight, look great and have lots of energy. You’ll at least have something to make you feel better when you don’t fit into your clothes on January 1st.
Ninth, eat as much as possible between now and January 1st. Make your goal to lose at least 20 by February and the other 35 by next September. This way you give yourself a cushion to lose the extra 35 between all the beach parties next summer.
Finally, eat..be merry and just think yourself thin.